General Life!
The space where I rant, rave, and loose my marbles about life. And maybe some good things too, maybe even some notions (aka emotions).
.gif)
The space where I rant, rave, and loose my marbles about life. And maybe some good things too, maybe even some notions (aka emotions).
I've bought all but three of four items of clothing seconhand since I was 13, and in recent years I have slowed my rate of purchasing to a near (if not often) total halt. The result of this is that in any given week, I cycle through the same shirts, bandanas, and trousers. I dress ,indeed, much like a cartoon character. You could probably pick me out of a lineup using my clothes alone.
I won't sit here and pretend like I magically don't feel the pressure to have more clothes, to always be more interesting and new, to look like I have a lot of stuff, to exhibit wealth and overconsumption. But as time has gone on, I've felt increasingly comfortable with the size of my wardrobe. In theory, I would like maybe one or two more tops to wear and maybe more than one pair of shorts. But the reality is that I have probably 8 or 9 shirts, more than enough to get through the week and wash my clothes. (The shorts is a different matter I do almost definetly need another pair but given the state of Ireland they're an uncommon beast secondhand.) What I actually want is something along the lines of variety, or more interesting clothes.
The urge I have been raised to have is to want to therefore go out and buy more clothes. But the reality is that I can linoprint and use fabric paint or bleach and create interesting clothes for myself. And as time has gone on, and I have been stuck between refusing to buy more clothes I don't need, and wanting something more interesting, my behaviour and thinking has changed. I've embraced the idea of modern Plain Dress much more (albeit the biggest difference being I wear less jewlery, a choice also compunded by chronic illness and fatigue) as well as ideas like solarpunk and a significantly stronger DIY ethic. The main thing now is that I just need to choose what to put on those shirts and do it. Although as well, the shirts interest me less so I wear them less, a sign that I should definetly just make that choice and put something on a shirt.
There's no easy conclusion to this post, mostly just that I'm thinking about what to linoprint or paint, but writing this did help me remember that I fully have the capacity to make my own interesting clothes out of what I already have.
I've been listening to the album 'Open This Wall' by berlioz while working on a major uni assignment. The album is mostly jazz mixed with electronic elements (really a wonderful mixing of genres) and repetitive. I've found the assignment really hard, my experience with secondary school has left lasting trauma that affect my ability to get univeristy work done. Every time I started trying to work on it I could work for maybe ten minutes before I would just...stop. I would hit a wall and the anxiety would rise and I would be too on edge to do anything.
My favourite song on this album is the title track 'Open This Wall'. It's main repeat comes from this interview by PBS Detroit with jazz singer Nancy Wilson where she says:
"I am, and I am wonderful, and I know that there's this supreme power that gives me the ability to be everything if I just allow it to happen. It's about not going against the grain, it's about not banging your head against a wall that will not come down. It's about saying 'open this wall for me please'."
(I highly reccomend that you watch the interview (skip to 21:24) and listen to her full response.)
Her words have helped me so much in this moment. I am, and so I do not bang my head against this wall that will not come down. I take a deep breath and reach inside myself to the Spirit and breathe
"Open this wall for me please"
And so the wall opens just a little, and I can move just a litte. And when the wall rises I ask again
"Open this wall for me please"
"Open this wall for me please"
(P.S a jazz song alone has not fixed my issues, but through breathing and waiting for something else to open the wall it has just a little. Concepts like stress tolerance as well as an understanding of why I react the way I do learned through therapy has been immensley helpful.)